thoughts from a full heart

I was so excited to visit my old school with Moriah this morning! We enjoyed seeing lots of my former co-workers, who in many ways truly became a "second family" of sorts during our first two years in Louisville when everything was new to us. I also enjoyed talking with some of my former students, only the former kindergarteners who were in lunch... the former third graders were still in class, busily preparing for state testing next week so we didn't want to interrupt their hard work! As I talked with my old students who seem SO big as first graders now my heart swelled for lots of reasons. Some of my sweetest girls were still as sweet as ever and couldn't believe I remembered their names - how could I forget them?! Some of the little boys blushed to see me dote on them again. One little guy kept saying (in very clear English which was amazing after starting Kindergarten with none), "It looks like Mrs. Peery", to his astonishment I looked at him and said "Because I AM Mrs. Peery!" He jumped up and shouted "I told you!" to a near by friend :) One little boy had made his way back from a leave of absence which took him home to Iraq. Their faces and smiles made me beam, and flooded my mind with memories of sweet days and challenges I faced as well.



And two little boys made my heart melt... one little guy has suffered much as a six year old. He has a large family full of brothers (I think maybe 8, but can't quite remember) who range from my age (mid-20's) all the way down to his. One brother is confined to a wheelchair after a terrible house fire years ago which left his body severely burned and permanently disabled in many ways. Their mom who did all she could to care for them, passed away over Christmas break after a long battle with cancer. I spoke with her often last year about this little guy and his struggles to learn, though he had such a sweet and very kind spirit. She gave everything she had to help him in spite of her difficulties and illness. Now as he told me today, "Mrs. Peery my mom died." When I told him that I knew and was sorry, I also told him I know he must be very sad. He replied, "My cat died too." I really wanted to pick him up in my free arm (as I was holding Moriah) and take him home to live with me forever. It's just not that simple, and not possible of course. Another little guy who I grew to love last year after some difficult days involving extreme profanities uttered from a lisping five year old's mouth, was upset today. He had a very grumpy face that I couldn't encourage in spite of my attempts. I found out dad recently moved out of his parents house where this little guy and his brothers had been living with some stability. This dad is trying very hard and is also doing all he can with all he has (their mom left a long time ago and has only been around sporadically though she lives in town). The last time the dad was at school, I was told he cried not knowing what else he could do for an older son who has refused any school work for the last eight weeks. Really... think about that, all day in school, walking in the halls or sitting outside the door because he won't work. Many people have been involved in his life, rewards have been offered no doubt, consequences have been administered, but to a child who doesn't care for one reason or another no one can force productivity.




So as I left, as quickly as I came, I felt a wave of emotion. Guilt in some ways that I could come and go at my free will... I'm not living in those hard times like the little children are, and I'm not teaching among them trying to lighten their loads day in and day out like many friends still are. This has been a sweet sweet season for me as the Lord has blessed me with much... very calm days at work in comparison, only one bright bright child to "teach" as we play, and a sweet baby girl who I can care for all day long myself. I know that this is good and this is where the Lord has sovereignly placed me now, but stepping back for a bit was more gut wrenching in many ways than I'd expected. I was asked, "So, do you miss it?" and "Are you coming back to teach again?" I do miss things sometimes, and of course I don't miss other things. I'm not going back to teach now, or in the very near future as far as I can anticipate. The Lord is calling me to my home and my family... and that is sweet, but hard as I consider the weight of that world. Because who is going to those children? Who is serving among those families? How can I turn away and leave so conveniently? Have I betrayed them? Am I living hypocritically after "preaching" for so long that these are the forgotten places which we can't abandon? I trust the Lord... He knows my heart, and it is full as I read, play, and giggle with Moriah while those little faces are fresh in my mind and still struggling. This is significant now, it wouldn't be any better or easier to leave my own family in a sense to continue working in a way that is the most draining and taxing work imaginable. The answer isn't that simple. The Lord knows the tension, but He is in control and I am thankful.

So, if you're there like many of my dearest friends are, teaching in hard places, take heart. Today is probably feeling daunting to you for many legitimate reasons. But the Lord is carrying you, He is ministering to those little (and big) ones through you as long as you look to Him and proclaim His name in every way you're able. He is working, and your role in that is not in vain. As hard as it may be to believe, someday you may leave... He may give you a new place of ministry (perhaps one you've always dreamed of!), but even then you'll think of times past and wonder how those little ones are doing, and you might wonder how you let it go so quickly. And if you're like me, you'll be trusting God and hoping that you spent yourself as much as you could've and as much as you should've. Let Him sustain you each day, and give Him all praise.

who couldn't smile at these sweet little guys, and their song...

thankful

I'm finding myself very thankful these days... the list below is just a bit of all the ways God has blessed me this weekend:



~ kind and helpful pediatricians who quickly identify symptoms and provide treatment
~ a sweet husband who does all he can to serve our family
~ an understanding husband who went out to buy a scoop of my favorite ice cream on evening two of a sick baby
~ extra cuddles with my little one, though I'd sort of trade cuddle time to know she was her happy self feeling well again (soon I'm sure!)
~ a spring weekend perfect for playing on the seminary lawn
~ friends all around us literally who bring great encouragement
~ a generous mom who bought Moriah a new big girl stroller (we'd still be using the "Snap N Go" with her infant seat)
~ an amazing public library system here in Louisville... some good books for perusing - "Weekend Sewing" which is full of inspiration, I think bloomers may be in my future! and a baby food making book, also a novel I've been interested in "The Help"
~ my Maya Ring Sling which is so helpful for holding sweet Moriah who just wants to be with mama these days
~ rotisserie chicken, an easy and tasty dinner tonight
~ cheap big rubber balls out in the stores since it's summer, Moriah got a purple one today!
~ homemade yogurt with brown sugar and maple syrup... delicious!
~ Pampers diaper points, we're on our way to earning enough for a Melissa & Doug farm animal puzzle with sounds (I'm stashing them away as 1st birthday presents)
~ a fresh haircut which always feels good
~ Honey Bunches of Oats ON SALE... our favorite cereal is rarely on sale or has coupons, today however I bought a box for only 30 cents after a sale and coupons, yay!



I've also been thinking lately that in spite of many day in and day out parts of motherhood I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have these moments with Moriah. I'm glad that when she's sick I'm with her to comfort and hold her. I'm happy to feed her many new baby foods and see her reactions rather than hear about them from other people who would be feeding her. I'm glad to continue nourishing her as I nurse for a few more months. I'm thrilled to encourage her movements as we "enjoy" tummy time and have mastered sitting up all alone! I'm thankful that my life is slow enough to not be overwhelmed and stressed by the bumps along the way (like a sick baby) in the midst of working as a teacher busy with lesson plans and a heavy heart. I'm also glad to offer a bit of care and love for our little friend Mr. S. and his family as I spend our days together. The Lord has been so good to us in His sweet providence.

if you were there today...

If you'd been a Turner's Station Baptist Church today you might have enjoyed these moments with me... here's just a glimpse into the little world that we've come to love so much...

*an elderly lady who loves Moriah told me today that "she's as strong as a little horse" after holding our wiggly little girl

*the same lady commented on Moriah's enthusiastic squeals and said "my mama used to say when babies sound like that, 'they're singing in a tooth'"... what a sweet description of a teething baby :)

*one member recently slaughtered two hogs and told us about using all the parts for various types of meat... during the conversation other members chipped in with their favorite parts of the pig (including parts we'd never heard of and still don't know about!?) today at the end of the service the man who has been enjoyed pork in all it's forms opened a small cooler and pulled out a package of meat wrapped in paper like a butcher would prepare it, he handed it to another woman who read the label "liver" and watched her joy! she exclaimed "Well Jimmy Brown, I'm happier with this than if you'd given me a $100 bill!" she changed her plans and was ready to eat it for her dinner tonight

If you'd been with us after church, you would have enjoyed a tasty lunch in the home of two wonderful members who are so welcoming and kind. I brought a "Country Blueberry Dessert" (which isn't complete without whipped cream) that we've recently enjoyed from the Eat Better American web-site. I'd HIGHLY recommend it, and Matt told me today that it's his favorite dessert, next to tiramisu which is saying a lot if you know Matt :) Their company was just as much of a treat as the invitation to join them in their home. While we were there, the man opened a box he pulled out from under a stack of newspapers and told us we might like to look at what was inside. We were presented with handwritten bound books of the church records from 1877 to the present day... seriously! They'd been stored in a vault at the bank until fairly recently when the bank called and asked for them to be removed. I feel like the books should be typed so that there would be more long-term copies of the records, but I'm not quite sure about it. Part of the charm of such a find is the beautiful script, old paper, and smells of it all which would of course be lost in a typed manuscript. I wish I knew more about preserving such things that are rare treasures indeed.

*we also heard about their quick engagement and marriage... only three months after their first date (which was a blind date at that) they were married, about nine months later their first child arrived :) they spoke with great wisdom about the commitment marriage involves and about their joy 31 years later

*Matt was also encouraged when he was told "Well, I can tell you one thing about your preaching - you're a whole lot better now than you were when you started!"

We're so blessed to serve among such faithful and wise men and women. We never anticipated the sweet times we'd have among these who are becoming dear friends.

gracious to teach

The Lord is so gracious to teach us in His good care... he is gentle and firm all at once, and I am thankful.
Today has been my day off for the week. It was a pretty good day with just a few minor bumps along the way.
*two trips to Kroger since rotisserie chicken isn't ready early in the day... and then they were out, so we opted for a rotisserie turkey breast instead... good but double the cost unfortunately
*making yogurt in the CrockPot is relatively easy it seems like (it's not finished, so I haven't tasted it yet) but rushing to get things done on time at the cost of a sad baby girl, isn't always worth it
*trying to steal a quick second to reply to an e-mail and let Moriah practice her sitting skills isn't the best idea if tumbling over is inevitable and I was too hurried to bring in the Boppy pillow - not feeling great as a mom after the upsetting crash!
*enjoying a long morning naptime for Moriah is only lovely if it doesn't interfere with an afternoon nap... which it did today, creating a tired little one right at dinner time!

The bumps served as reminders from the Lord of my reliance upon Him at all times. I'm realizing that my major struggles with sin as a new mom revolve around selfishness, in it's various forms, and impatience. Oftentimes I have an "agenda" for my day and it just doesn't pan out quite that way! The Lord is showing me that it's okay... Sometimes in my sincere desire to serve Matt, or find a good deal, or prepare a healthy meal I make more work for myself that isn't always worth it if I develop an overwhelmed attitude along the way. While those aims are all good, the Lord is showing me that I can't do it all-and sometimes can't seem to do much outwardly-apart from taking care of Moriah which is obviously crucial :) I was also gently reminded by the Lord this evening, that His approval of me and my days are not based upon Matt arriving home to a neat house with dinner waiting and the dishes washed and put away. Rather, have I filled my day with prayer and rejoicing? Have I shown Moriah the sweet joys of loving the Lord in the midst of all I say and do? Have I remained thankful for the Lord's innumerable provisions? Those realities are much more important in these days as an adjusting mom than all the other details of life. So, I'm thankful to be learning... even if it is a slow process, the Lord is kind. You can always pray for the new moms you know (and for me!) there's much to learn and many adjustments to be made, what a sweet time it is but filled with new lessons each day.

Psalm 25:8-10
Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in the way.
He leads the humble in what is right,
and teaches the humble his way.
All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness,
for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.

so thankful

These last few weeks have given me the opportunity to become more settled into our new "normal" life as I nanny for Mr. S. with Moriah along for the ride :) She enjoys her days, have no doubt about that, as she watches the busy 2 1/2 year old little guy and his gentle dog Ruby. Moriah squeals with delight as she watches Ruby, who patiently gets close enough for Moriah to touch (or grab) and then calmly walks away! The biggest perk of this job is the 4 day work week, with additional time off as overtime hours are necessary from time to time. During the past week I worked two extra-long days, that weren't the easiest at times, but was compensated by an extra day off... who could ask for more than that! This week I have lots of potential fun planned with Mr. S. starting with our "In Like a Lion, Out Like a Lamb" handprint craft. We're also going to keep a calendar together. Mr. S. is a smart little guy who does an amazing job at distinguishing between today and tomorrow (I think his busy parent's schedule has helped him learn time more quickly). Since there are a few long trips for his mom this month having a calendar and looking at the days may help him understand when she'll be home. The "in like a lion, out like a lamb" is also all about weather so I think we'll sketch a little picture of the day's weather on each box and discuss at the end of the month whether or not it was like a lion or a lamb. I've also been browsing a few toddler learning books to find creative activities for our days. I was even able to buy two of them at our favorite Half Price Book Store this weekend! In one book, I read about making a teddy bear parachute, which we'll also try tomorrow I hope. His tall staircase will be the perfect launch site :)

In other news, our family life is seeming to be the sweetest it's been in a long time for me. Part of this sweetness comes from the opportunity I've had to experience so many different "seasons" thus far... I've been a single woman teacher, a married teacher without children, a married and pregnant teacher :) (it deserved a category of it's own!), a married teacher and a mom, and now a married nanny and a mom. These opportunities have shown me much, and given me a chance to empathize with the challenges women can face in each stage. None have been "easy" per se, but in hindsight the Lord seems to show a lot. Now that I have an extra day off each week, I feel like I've been given bonus time! The chores which were always needing to get done can be accomplished with less stress and much more joy. Little projects I might dream up (clearing out books to sell at the used book store, writing in Moriah's baby book, starting to baby proof our house) can be added in to my days. And the most important thing... my perspective is filled with thanks. I know now that the opportunity I have to spend quality time with Matt, do dishes, cook dinners, make baby food, fold laundry, vacuum and swiffer, dust, and keep our home tidy are not opportunities every woman has... oftentimes they must be neglected in order to accomplish other more urgent tasks which may be related to her job or family life. I also know now that these routine chores can bring a sweet order and stability to a home. They can allow me to serve Matt in a way that gives him time for sermon preparation and school work. I can send him off to start his day with fewer things on his plate and that is a joy to me. I can try to offer Moriah a routine which gives her all she needs to eat (an ever growing amount!), time to sleep, play, and learn about her world. This is no small task. I am so thankful.

If I was an artsy person I'd love to create some great painting on a canvas incorporating the verse from Andrew Peterson's song "Planting Trees"... I know this life might not always be as filled with sweet moments as it seems to be right now, and I know that there are still hard moments and hard days, but these words encourage me that my work is glorifying to the Lord and will have eternal ramifications I pray...

"She rises up as morning breaks
She moves among these rooms alone
Before we wake
And her heart is so full, it overflows
She waters us with love and the children grow

So many years from now
Long after we are gone
These trees will spread their branches out
And bless the dawn
These trees will spread their branches out
And bless someone"

Pray for me, that above all else my days would not be filled with busy-ness that is absent of the Lord, I desire to seek Him through His Word and must grow in that priority. All else is insignificant if not fueled by Him that I may bring glory to His name.

life now...

some thoughts floating or racing through my head tonight... nothing profound, just real, I'll forewarn you

*avocados are now split three ways in our family as Moriah has become a huge fan of tasting them through her mesh feeder, great for her as we eat dinner - sad for Matt as his most favorite food of choice will become even more scarce!

*I'm wondering which first foods might tend to be more "binding" and which might have the opposite effect on Moriah's tummy... any thoughts? I think apples are binding?! what about pears and avocados, maybe they're not so strong either way?!

*having a longer commute has made my prayer time for Matt and Moriah more consistent, my husband and child prayer calendars have also been an excellent resource

*while thinking ahead in some cases is helpful, in other cases only trial and error can be your teacher... putting a 2 1/2 year old boy into the van before Moriah seemed like a good idea (so that he wouldn't be left without a hand to hold in the parking lot while I lifted her into the car) until he wandered around the van and enjoyed pushing buttons - like the lock button! after a wave of panic came over me as I realized my baby and my little nannying charge were in the van with my keys, I tapped on the window hoping I could pantomime pushing the button to coax him into the doing the same... so thankful for a smart little guy who happily opened the door right away, calming my fears and teaching me never to surrender the keys again :)

*charming local toy stores are wonderful and too few these days (head into downtown LaGrange, Kentucky on the historic square if you need a good example), we enjoyed browsing today and even came out with the most perfect small sticker book like my mom used to buy me, today our choice was a construction site sticker book with reusable stickers for the construction scene, at only $1.50 you can't beat it!

*the wise advice of more experienced moms is always good to solicit... thanks to a wise mom Dollie, Moriah is sleeping soundly and without a fuss almost an hour earlier than normal, must be what she needed :)

*Harry and David is a most extravagant treat in my mind, but I've been so thankful to enjoy it twice this year as my mother in law sent me peaches and a market bag for my birthday, and a triple box of treats for Matt and I this Valentine's day - even better for my sweet tooth (but not my overall health) is that most of the treats are chocolates I prefer more than Matt :)

*is curious about my experience jumping into the world of big children's consignment sales this weekend... Little Treasures is in the setting up phase so tomorrow night I'm dropping of my things, Sunday I'm a "clothing inspection assistant", and Monday I'm headed in to the worker's pre-sale... hopefully in two weeks I'll walk away with a check which might put us ahead or at least break even with the great deals I'm sure I'll find (I have a short list... a baby monitor to use in the large home where I'm working as Mr.S. and Moriah nap two floors apart and a Jumperoo for our ever moving little one, if I found irresistible shoes for a walker-in a few months-and some summer play clothes they might be too hard to resist as well!)

*I enjoy my conversations with Mr. S. throughout these days, and he seems to be more talkative when we're driving or out of the house than when we're playing at home with his toys... maybe an argument for exposing children to the in's and out's of life... so today we discussed the wind, he doesn't like it much:
S: "Wind stop blowing!" (while we were picnic-ing in a gazebo at the park)
me: "I don't think it will stop right now, but I know you'd like it to. Who makes the wind stop and go?"
S: "The neighbors, need a tall ladder!"
me: "Really?! :) I think it's God who can make the wind stop and go!"

*comfy clothes, a messy pony tail, and some unwinding time on-line is just the motivation I need before more productive chores can be accomplished over the next two hours, especially when they include scrubbing the shower

*trying to eat a quick nacho dinner-while wrangling a very sad teething girl-and her mesh avocado feeder-before Matt left for class-left my kitchen table a mess to say the least... I'll reward the clean-up with some (or "a") Harry and David treat!!! with that I'm off

change and blessings

Well, change is upon me again... and maybe I'm getting more comfortable with it, ask me next week and I'll let you know! Tomorrow I will leave my official "teaching career" for now and venture into a new world as a nanny. While my classroom days are over I look forward to teaching a little 2 1/2 year old boy and my darling little girl. This summer we'll add a new baby to the mix :) I know there will be adjustments to make and lessons to be learned. My "teaching" days have been filled with younger and younger children recently, but not anyone quite this young before. Upon our first meeting I learned two crucial details about Mr.S... he loves tractors and cooking! What a lovely combination :) I've been researching the typical development of 2 year olds, along with games, and activities for them. I've been a fan of the blog "I Can Teach My Child" for awhile now, and look forward to using many of her ideas with this little man. I have a pile of things, in my dear husband's office (lacing beads, Mr. Potato Head, magnetic blocks, learning CD's, puzzles, etc), that I can bring in my bag of tricks once I figure out exactly what he's ready for. After visiting his home, I also know he has plenty to play with and lots of room to play as well. Some of my books are organized for our first few weeks together... a typical boy pile with transportation books, and dinosaur books; some Valentine books that we'll read as we do a few holiday crafts; some alphabet and counting books; "The Napping House" which will be perfect before nap time; some favorite character books (like Clifford and Curious George); and finally some easy "I Spy" books.

So with this new opportunity we're rejoicing in the following blessings specifically (some about the job, others about the time I'll have free at home):
~ 9:00am-5:00pm work days, only 4 days a week!
~ on busier weeks for the family I may be needed for longer hours which will be made up with more time off to enjoy Moriah and be home
~ outings to the library's story times, parks, the zoo, etc.
~ a very kind and thoughtful family to work for who have already gone out of their way to make me feel very comfortable in their home with Moriah as well
~ 3 weeks of paid vacation a year... a huge perk :)
~ days with my little one
~ learning baby sign language and teaching it to Moriah
~ getting Moriah back on a well structured nap routine (day care hasn't been the best about this lately when they banned swaddling!)
~ adding fruits and vegetables to Moriah's growing palate (and making them at home)
~ grocery shopping and cleaning on my day off so that we'll have more weekend family time for fun
~ serving Matt by helping our home run more efficiently so that his time in sermon preparation and school work can be maximized
~ maintaining friendships with other mom friends and their babies since I'll have time for play dates
~ visiting my old school with Moriah, and potentially volunteering with some of the students a bit
~ maybe blogging on a more regular basis (weekly perhaps) to share some of my ideas for enjoying both of these little ones and our fun throughout the days :)

I know that in the midst of such blessings there will be hard days that will not be easy... I hope to rejoice in the Lord and remain thankful even then. Please pray for my patience and strength throughout each day and especially as we settle into our new routines. Change is never my favorite, but it almost always promises new challenges and rewards as well.

Two insights from very wise men that have been on my mind lately...
"The place where God has put the wife is the husband’s home. Most people have forgotten nowadays what a home can mean, though some of us have come to realize it as never before. It is a kingdom of its own in the midst of the world, a stronghold amid life’s storms and stresses, a refuge, even a sanctuary." ~Dietrich Bonhoeffer (find the entire wedding sermon here)


"Now observe that when that clever harlot, our natural reason . . . ,takes a look at married life, she turns up her nose and says,
“Alas, must I rock the baby, wash its diapers, make its bed, smell its stench, stay up nights with it, take care of it when it cries, heal its rashes and sores. . . ?” [LW 45:39]
What then does Christian faith say to this? It opens its eyes, looks upon all these insignificant, distasteful, and despised duties in the Spirit, and is aware that they are all adorned with divine approval as with the costliest gold and jewels. It says, O God, because I am certain that thou hast created me as a man and hast from my body begotten this child, I also know for a certainty that it meets with thy perfect pleasure. I confess to thee that I am not worthy to rock the little babe or wash its diapers, or to be
entrusted with the care of the child and its mother. How is it that I, without any merit, have come to this distinction of being certain that I am serving thy creature and thy most precious will? O how gladly will I do so, though the duties should be even more insignificant and despised. Neither frost nor heat, neither drudgery nor labor, will distress or dissuade me, for I am certain that it is thus pleasing in thy sight. . . . God, with all his angels and creatures is smiling—not because the father is washing diapers, but because he is doing so in Christian faith." [LW 45:39-40]
~Martin Luther, shared by the GirlTalk blog yesterday